Jane Asher - Madonna - Kaballah

I have always pondered on my existence from the moment I came out of the oven. I wondered on who actually was my creator and what was my purpose on this planet? I kind of thought Jane Asher was my creator, the all seeing eye, the Goddess. My purpose on this planet being to provide culinary pleasure to all lovers of cake thereafter.

In her bible 'Calender of Cakes', it says and on the 5th day Jane the Goddess createth the Victoria Sponge Cake, it cometh from the great bowl of love and from the great bowl of love to the furnace of pleasure. From that great furnace of pleasure she produceth one of the finest wonders of the world, 'the Victoria Sponge Cake'. And Jane the Goddess tasteth that great sponge cake and the cake was good.

This is what I have always based my spirituality upon until one day I met Madonna at my Yoga class and she changed everything for me. After Yoga over a few drops of Kabbalah water she told me of her enlightenment into the Kabbalah faith.

I soon became a ‘Kabbalah follower', I read ‘The Book of Zohar’, I bought a red string to wear, drank the water, read the books and listened to the tapes. I had become disillusioned by Jane after all these years she had conned me. The bun baking slag.

I flew to the Kabbalah Centre in Los Angeles to continue my quest to find the truth. At the centre I hooked up with Madonna again and she introduced me to Britney Spears. Britney too was in inner intellectual turmoil about the grand scheme of things. So much was her turmoil that this is one of the reasons why she began to look like shit and dress like white trash. She said the outer person didn’t matter anymore it was what was inside that counts. Well I couldn’t have a agreed with her more wholeheartedly, she did look absolutely like shite.

A few weeks after leaving LA however, I awoke to a vision , it was Jane she told me to come back to the fold where I belonged. She had tears in her eyes and said her truth was real and not some stupid shallow celebrity gimmick that only tried to stiff some money out of you. She said I had many followers, the pavlova, the vanilla slice and the jam tart, and that they all loved me. She said I needed to tell Madonna to fuck off and to tell her to find some other foodstuff to take the piss out of. 

After that amazing encounter with my beloved Jane I did tell Madonna to shove the Kabbalah right up her very tight buttocks, but not before she invited me to be a body double on her new video ‘Hung Up’. She said she liked my buns of steel. I jumped at the chance but thought I had better not be too good in the video as this might show her up.

Madonna and I wore exactly the same leotard although she was showing a bit too much camel hoof for my liking.  I managed to keep myself respectable with everything tucked in, which is more than could be said for her, she certainly could have done with a Brazilian. I personally always go for the Hollywood, the hair free option it. It wouldn’t do for someone to get a hair stuck in the back of their throat whilst enjoying a bite of me.

After I told Madonna to ‘go fuck herself’, I also said that Jane would look 10 million times better in that leotard than she ever would. And with that I handed her a copy of Calender of Cakes and fucked off.