Well as you already know darlings I'm a successful Supermodel - but time is moving on and I'm not getting any younger. I have to be ahead of the game ya know? There's already these new Cupcakes snapping at my sponge. These perky little fairy cakes with their sparkly buttercream are just waiting to take my spot at the top of the cake stand, but I just keep pushing them off & waving as I watch them fall - SPLAT!!!
I'm not gonna lie - I've had surgery - the procedure was called a Bunopathy & basically it involved having all my excess sponge removed. I have now gone down from a 12" cake tin to an 8" one, I look amazzzzing darlings. Also once I week I meet with a specialist who injects top grade gelatine into my sponge to smooth out the cracks that are beginning to appear. I'm still one hot bun baby - those cupcakes can eat my cream!!!
Maidstone Labour Party
Wednesday, 17 August 2011
Monday, 15 August 2011
Kate's Party
Kate Moss had invited me to a little soiree she was having at her pile in the Cotswolds, and I for one was not going to turn her down. Mossy and I have known each other for many years through working on various modelling assignments and we both like a partay or two. In the past we have rocked like there would be no tomorrow, almost as if there was going to be a fucking cake Armageddon.
Anyways I put on my best Chloe number and headed off to the party. When I arrived, (fashionably late) the usual suspects were all there Jade, Sadie, Davinia, Pete Et Al and they were all completely fucked out of their tiny little pea brains. Kate called me over and told me there was some ‘hot shit’ going down. She took me to her boudoir and I could not believe my eyes, there was enough Tate and Lyle to sink a ship!!! Jane Asher would have had an orgasm!!!She rolled me a fifty-pound note and together we hoovered up the joint. That icing sugar fresh from the cane fields of Thailand gave me the best buzz ever.
After what seemed like an eternity, Pete Docherty walked in and asked us if we wanted to shoot up some Demerera. Well I went fucking mental at him and told him to stop being such a skank and that brown sugar was for losers!!! By this time I was off my doylie and things began to blur in to one. We began to pop a few sugar cubes here a few Canderel Pills there, until finally my sponge became numb and I passed out.
I awoke the next morning to find myself lying in a compromising position next to a half naked Fondant Fancy. Kate, Sadie and Jude (I don’t where the fuck he came from) were in the bed too. My head pounded as I tried to remember what the hell had gone on until the flashbacks began. Me, Kate and the Fondant Fancy, Kate and Sadie, me and Jude, Oh my God what the f…….
I got out of that bed and left the house as fast as I could, I had reached the furthest depths of depravity. Could I have sunk any lower? I had done something so disgusting, something that I vowed to myself that I would never EVER do. I had fucked a fondant fancy and from that my friend I would never recover.
Jane Asher - Madonna - Kaballah
I have always pondered on my existence from the moment I came out of the oven. I wondered on who actually was my creator and what was my purpose on this planet? I kind of thought Jane Asher was my creator, the all seeing eye, the Goddess. My purpose on this planet being to provide culinary pleasure to all lovers of cake thereafter.
In her bible 'Calender of Cakes', it says and on the 5th day Jane the Goddess createth the Victoria Sponge Cake, it cometh from the great bowl of love and from the great bowl of love to the furnace of pleasure. From that great furnace of pleasure she produceth one of the finest wonders of the world, 'the Victoria Sponge Cake'. And Jane the Goddess tasteth that great sponge cake and the cake was good.
This is what I have always based my spirituality upon until one day I met Madonna at my Yoga class and she changed everything for me. After Yoga over a few drops of Kabbalah water she told me of her enlightenment into the Kabbalah faith.
I soon became a ‘Kabbalah follower', I read ‘The Book of Zohar’, I bought a red string to wear, drank the water, read the books and listened to the tapes. I had become disillusioned by Jane after all these years she had conned me. The bun baking slag.
I flew to the Kabbalah Centre in Los Angeles to continue my quest to find the truth. At the centre I hooked up with Madonna again and she introduced me to Britney Spears. Britney too was in inner intellectual turmoil about the grand scheme of things. So much was her turmoil that this is one of the reasons why she began to look like shit and dress like white trash. She said the outer person didn’t matter anymore it was what was inside that counts. Well I couldn’t have a agreed with her more wholeheartedly, she did look absolutely like shite.
A few weeks after leaving LA however, I awoke to a vision , it was Jane she told me to come back to the fold where I belonged. She had tears in her eyes and said her truth was real and not some stupid shallow celebrity gimmick that only tried to stiff some money out of you. She said I had many followers, the pavlova, the vanilla slice and the jam tart, and that they all loved me. She said I needed to tell Madonna to fuck off and to tell her to find some other foodstuff to take the piss out of.
After that amazing encounter with my beloved Jane I did tell Madonna to shove the Kabbalah right up her very tight buttocks, but not before she invited me to be a body double on her new video ‘Hung Up’. She said she liked my buns of steel. I jumped at the chance but thought I had better not be too good in the video as this might show her up.
Madonna and I wore exactly the same leotard although she was showing a bit too much camel hoof for my liking. I managed to keep myself respectable with everything tucked in, which is more than could be said for her, she certainly could have done with a Brazilian. I personally always go for the Hollywood, the hair free option it. It wouldn’t do for someone to get a hair stuck in the back of their throat whilst enjoying a bite of me.
After I told Madonna to ‘go fuck herself’, I also said that Jane would look 10 million times better in that leotard than she ever would. And with that I handed her a copy of Calender of Cakes and fucked off.
In her bible 'Calender of Cakes', it says and on the 5th day Jane the Goddess createth the Victoria Sponge Cake, it cometh from the great bowl of love and from the great bowl of love to the furnace of pleasure. From that great furnace of pleasure she produceth one of the finest wonders of the world, 'the Victoria Sponge Cake'. And Jane the Goddess tasteth that great sponge cake and the cake was good.
This is what I have always based my spirituality upon until one day I met Madonna at my Yoga class and she changed everything for me. After Yoga over a few drops of Kabbalah water she told me of her enlightenment into the Kabbalah faith.
I soon became a ‘Kabbalah follower', I read ‘The Book of Zohar’, I bought a red string to wear, drank the water, read the books and listened to the tapes. I had become disillusioned by Jane after all these years she had conned me. The bun baking slag.
I flew to the Kabbalah Centre in Los Angeles to continue my quest to find the truth. At the centre I hooked up with Madonna again and she introduced me to Britney Spears. Britney too was in inner intellectual turmoil about the grand scheme of things. So much was her turmoil that this is one of the reasons why she began to look like shit and dress like white trash. She said the outer person didn’t matter anymore it was what was inside that counts. Well I couldn’t have a agreed with her more wholeheartedly, she did look absolutely like shite.
A few weeks after leaving LA however, I awoke to a vision , it was Jane she told me to come back to the fold where I belonged. She had tears in her eyes and said her truth was real and not some stupid shallow celebrity gimmick that only tried to stiff some money out of you. She said I had many followers, the pavlova, the vanilla slice and the jam tart, and that they all loved me. She said I needed to tell Madonna to fuck off and to tell her to find some other foodstuff to take the piss out of.
After that amazing encounter with my beloved Jane I did tell Madonna to shove the Kabbalah right up her very tight buttocks, but not before she invited me to be a body double on her new video ‘Hung Up’. She said she liked my buns of steel. I jumped at the chance but thought I had better not be too good in the video as this might show her up.
Madonna and I wore exactly the same leotard although she was showing a bit too much camel hoof for my liking. I managed to keep myself respectable with everything tucked in, which is more than could be said for her, she certainly could have done with a Brazilian. I personally always go for the Hollywood, the hair free option it. It wouldn’t do for someone to get a hair stuck in the back of their throat whilst enjoying a bite of me.
After I told Madonna to ‘go fuck herself’, I also said that Jane would look 10 million times better in that leotard than she ever would. And with that I handed her a copy of Calender of Cakes and fucked off.
I had Liam Gallaghers Baby Cake
I was partying at the Met Bar years ago when I bumped into Liam Gallagher. We hit it off and got it on straight away and that was when our sordid little affair began. Nicole Appleton his girlfriend was oblivious to our seedy shenanigans. If she had found out what went on never ever would she have felt so low. She wouldnt have got out of that black hole.
Anyways our affair continued, Liam liked me to smother him in cream and jam and in return he would bounce on my sponge which sent me to places I'd never been to before.
He affectionately used to call me babycakes which in hindsight I wondered if he may have had a premonition, as nine months on I did actually have his baby...........cake.
Yes 9 months later - our relationship having ended months ago - I gave birth to Ringo CupCake the Third. Ringo Cupcake first and second having previously been allocated to Liams two other love children.
I had a natural birth at the Portland - no artificial colourings or ingredients were needed. Father was not present at the birth but that was to be expected.
Unfortunately I had Ringo Cupcake adopted, as I couldnt cope due to my hectic life as a supermodel. I was so in demand with Delia, Jane and Mr Kipling that I just didnt have the time to bring up a small cake.
Fortunately Ringo has found a good home, his parents being two well respected lemon drizzles. I'm sure he will be very happy with them.
Anyways our affair continued, Liam liked me to smother him in cream and jam and in return he would bounce on my sponge which sent me to places I'd never been to before.
He affectionately used to call me babycakes which in hindsight I wondered if he may have had a premonition, as nine months on I did actually have his baby...........cake.
Yes 9 months later - our relationship having ended months ago - I gave birth to Ringo CupCake the Third. Ringo Cupcake first and second having previously been allocated to Liams two other love children.
I had a natural birth at the Portland - no artificial colourings or ingredients were needed. Father was not present at the birth but that was to be expected.
Unfortunately I had Ringo Cupcake adopted, as I couldnt cope due to my hectic life as a supermodel. I was so in demand with Delia, Jane and Mr Kipling that I just didnt have the time to bring up a small cake.
Fortunately Ringo has found a good home, his parents being two well respected lemon drizzles. I'm sure he will be very happy with them.
Sex and Shopping with Vikki Beckham
One of my best friends Victoria Beckham called me up at the patisserie I was staying at and asked me if I fancied a spot of shopping. Vikki and I are known in our circle as the 'Two Vikkis' as we spend so much time together. We are like two peas in a pod. Although I would'nt say this to her face I am actually the better looking of the two of us, sometimes she has a tendency to veer towards the Vikki Pollardesque.
Anyway we shimmied on down to Harvey Nicks to try on an outfit or 50. We bought a few sexy leather numbers in Dolce and Gabanna. I looked so sexy in one outfit I thought i could actually eat myself. Then we went on to Robert Cavalli, Victoria and I tried on the most beautiful dresses. One particular dress I tried on clung to my curves so much I simply oozed cream everywhere. Victoria had to get on the floor and lick it all up. Ahh she really is a true friend.
After a hard days shopping we went up to the fifth floor bar for a drink. Victoria had arranged to meet David up there.
After a few drinks we were all having a good chat and getting a bit merry when David starting playing footsy with my jam filling under the table. Then he began openly flirting with me in front of Victoria. I just did'nt know what to do. As you well know in my previous blog I have experienced what its like for someone to blatantly flirt with your partner in front of you. Its not very nice.
I did'nt want Victoria to be embarassed or hurt any longer after all she has been through these last couple of years. So what I did was, I discreetly went to the ladies room and sent David a text saying 'Meet me at the Sanderson in 2 hours I'm Raw and I'm going to eat you alive.'
I then returned to the table and gave David a wink. I smiled smugly as I thought how I had saved the day, David was happy, I was exceedingly happy and Victoria's feelings had been saved. Everyones a winner.
Anyway we shimmied on down to Harvey Nicks to try on an outfit or 50. We bought a few sexy leather numbers in Dolce and Gabanna. I looked so sexy in one outfit I thought i could actually eat myself. Then we went on to Robert Cavalli, Victoria and I tried on the most beautiful dresses. One particular dress I tried on clung to my curves so much I simply oozed cream everywhere. Victoria had to get on the floor and lick it all up. Ahh she really is a true friend.
After a hard days shopping we went up to the fifth floor bar for a drink. Victoria had arranged to meet David up there.
After a few drinks we were all having a good chat and getting a bit merry when David starting playing footsy with my jam filling under the table. Then he began openly flirting with me in front of Victoria. I just did'nt know what to do. As you well know in my previous blog I have experienced what its like for someone to blatantly flirt with your partner in front of you. Its not very nice.
I did'nt want Victoria to be embarassed or hurt any longer after all she has been through these last couple of years. So what I did was, I discreetly went to the ladies room and sent David a text saying 'Meet me at the Sanderson in 2 hours I'm Raw and I'm going to eat you alive.'
I then returned to the table and gave David a wink. I smiled smugly as I thought how I had saved the day, David was happy, I was exceedingly happy and Victoria's feelings had been saved. Everyones a winner.
Boyfriend Trouble & Callum Best
Last night I was out with my main squeeze Flapjack at Movida nightclub. We were having an amazing time then who do you think turned up? Yes it was that crack whore chocolate eclair. Well that bitch has had her eye on my man for far too long for my comfort zone. Just coz she's long and thin she think she owns it, well she needs to get with the programme coz my man likes a bit of substance to his woman.
Anyways she comes over and starts flirting with Flapjack, he gets a lot of attention from women because he is packing some serious oats in all the right places if you know what i mean.
Well I wasn't having any of it - I told her to move her skinny butt on and that even a rock cake was too good for her. She still wouldn't budge and whats more my boyfriend starts flirting back!!!!.
Well this whipped my cream into a frenzy and I kicked her right where the sun don't shine. As soon as I did this the club management came running over and ejected me from the premises.
As you can imagine I was in bits imagining my 'ex' boyfriend and that munter en flagrante. I began to cry, Callum Best came over to comfort me and told me I was the sexiest cake he had ever seen.
We got a cab together and I'll leave the rest to your imagination.
Anyways she comes over and starts flirting with Flapjack, he gets a lot of attention from women because he is packing some serious oats in all the right places if you know what i mean.
Well I wasn't having any of it - I told her to move her skinny butt on and that even a rock cake was too good for her. She still wouldn't budge and whats more my boyfriend starts flirting back!!!!.
Well this whipped my cream into a frenzy and I kicked her right where the sun don't shine. As soon as I did this the club management came running over and ejected me from the premises.
As you can imagine I was in bits imagining my 'ex' boyfriend and that munter en flagrante. I began to cry, Callum Best came over to comfort me and told me I was the sexiest cake he had ever seen.
We got a cab together and I'll leave the rest to your imagination.
At Claridges with Sienna & Jude
There I sat on the top of the silver 4 tiered tray. I looked absofuckinglutely amazing in my Stella Mccartney doylie. Sienna sat there looking at me longingly, Jude was seething with jealousy.
In certain areas of the room I spotted several paparazzi. At first they were just taking pictures of Sienna but then all eyes were on me. A girl can't get any privacy you know. Then Sienna was getting jealous that I was getting all the attention.
Suddenly from out of the blue Daniel Craig appeared - walked over and devoured me on the spot. Just like that
(He's partial to a bit of Layer Cake)
Well as for Jude and Sienna they just sat and gaped in amazement. They quickly drank their lap sang sushong and left
In certain areas of the room I spotted several paparazzi. At first they were just taking pictures of Sienna but then all eyes were on me. A girl can't get any privacy you know. Then Sienna was getting jealous that I was getting all the attention.
Suddenly from out of the blue Daniel Craig appeared - walked over and devoured me on the spot. Just like that
(He's partial to a bit of Layer Cake)
Well as for Jude and Sienna they just sat and gaped in amazement. They quickly drank their lap sang sushong and left
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